time

had a visit from kevin today, haven’t seen him in a long time and its like, dude we’ve known him for almost six years now. probably six actually. all feeling old cos he and che che bel both have graduated already etc

anyway am trawling through the previous blog archives and you know, blogging (by which i just mean keeping a journal or a diary, writing to basically yourself on a fairly regular basis) really is a worthwhile activity if only to reveal to yourself just how far you’ve come.

november, 07

“SPM SPM SPM SPM…argh argh argh argh…..but i cant study anymore today i just cnat
actually i probably can
god i have so much history to do! im going to die!!!!!”

i knew the instant i started comin back from singapore that i have changed. like really almost a completely different person once you move out it’s very strange. but going back and reading old blog posts gives you an idea of how much..

anyway, time for another huge change: i’m going to wesleyan in case you didn’t know. transferring. yup. don’t ask me what i’m going to do there. maybe when i get there i’ll start blogging again. not sure why i’m less into that nowadays.

good vibes.

well, fuck

is all i have to say.

adverse anniversaries

i dreamt that i was a gummi bear.

well not really.

i dreamt that i had gummi bear powers like i could bounce around and shit.

yup.

facebook freaks

this is not one of the three posts i was talking about but (not like anyone CARES) those are coming

okay so facebook right

i have this good photo on it. i mean it’s pretty good la. it was like the one good pic to come out of the estee lauder thing last yr and i basically paid tons of money for it right. so it’s heavily photoshopped and damn pink cos of the make up but yeah. a good photo.

so any chick with a good photo or like a bikini photo on facebook AUTOMATICALLY and this is like a three-lined-equals-sign kinda rule like.. like.. lemme think.. like how in chemical equations you ALWAYS ALWAYS first “count the number of moles!!!!”……automatically gets all these guys (i call them freaks, sorry) trying to add you and i mean they would definitely sleep with you if they could but in the meantime they’ll settle for having you on facebook right to brighten up their profiles, right??

it’s like. you have lots of pretty pictures on your fb profile and that makes you cool! maybe if you add enough pretty girls one of them will turn up at your doorstep naked!

this actually led to my whole status thingy stating one day i would add them all and change my picture to something like a guy’s photo or sth which led to the “diabolical” fiasco. and i will admit any positive attention is flattering.

but i mean dude come on seriously. (i shall change my picture very soon once i find sth suitable to replace it)

i decided to write this because of the last guy like this. some of these guys actually bother to send a little message with their friend request, which i sometimes respect more cos it’s minimally less random right?

k so this guy. the message was this.

Hi Cheryl,
hope ur enjoying ur week! btw i’m ray; an outgoing guy looking 2 get 2 know more frens and would love 2 get 2 know u better…hope 2 hear from u sometime soon…till then take care!

okay…….. . … ummm.  yeah not quite. there once was some guy who had a very nice articulate thing can’t remember what it was but remember being impressed. can’t remember whether i added him or not. hopefully i didn’t. trying this whole principles thing.

but yeah.

i actually considered adding this guy just because his middle name was titus. no seriously.

in the interest of maintaining SOME of his privacy, i won’t put in his full name. but if you know him i mean how many guys are named ray titus.

k so i clicked on his profile to check and sure enough, lots and lots of hot random chicks. sigh. sigh sigh sigh. and he had showed initiative by typing out the message. sigh.

now, paranoia about the internet almost stpped me from typing this. also paranoia about my apparently epidemic snobbery.

but then, his status thingy said this:

is sad as yet again receiving stupid mesage from FB threatening 2 disable my account again for messaging.

WAHAHOOO freak out reflex yo!! that wasn’t hysterical laughter, by the way. it was more like a HOOOLY SHITTT type sound effect.

actually this is a bit scary. i should block this person. poor guy.

if you’re reading this dude, ummmm i’d like to say nothing personal i mean i kinda mean it too but that would probably be hypocritical. anyway if you are mr ray titus dude ummm stop the facebook freaking it’s really… i don’t know anyone who enjoys it cos it kinda makes you seem like a sleaze or a stalker (both which we all are though we just don’t show it i will admit) or just really a sad person and i’m sure you’re capable of being much more.

peace.

atta

one of three blog posts i’ve been meaning to write

we have a lot of family in singapore. it’s not quite a branch of the family it’s actually to my understanding something like two separate branches that merged together because they just wanted to. like, they’re sort of on different sides but they hang out.

anyway great aunt perema… i don’t know what her real name was.. i think we called her atta. anyway, she passed away a little more than two weeks ago now and like

yeah

anyway she was i think about to turn 99 this year. on her ic her year of birth was mistakenly 1905 so everyone thinks she’s 103 but actually she’s not. well was not.

um

so apparently she was like super sharp, even though she was bed ridden like when she heard about earthquakes or anything she’d call up to make sure anyone in the vicinity was okay and stuff like that
and she could speak like teochew as well as malay and english and tamil i suspect. she was indian.

i went to see her in the hospital when i heard. i was either one of the last people or the last person to see her. that was on wednesday afternoon into evening. she passed away at 6.25 the next morning. it was a bit perturbing.

she looked quite terrible when i saw her. she couldn’t respond to my presence of course, nor would she i think be able to recognize me except perhaps as leena’s daughter. i would not have known what to say in any case. i just did some praying and left it at that.

all the aunties and uncles, and jet and nat, came down for the funeral.

i felt compelled to take part in the ceremony and do the oil and stuff thing and so forth. truthfully it was a little strange how strongly i felt i needed to say goodbye to this woman i had barely even known and probably never really spoken to.

she was distantly related to me but only just distantly enough to be called ‘distant’. like, my mom and her brothers and sister actually knew her.

anyway she’s gone. she was cremated in the afternoon in mandai crematorium (viewing galleries are very creepy) and a couple of indian priests wearing polo shirts and walkie talkies and telling everyone what to do ran the ceremony. uncle david was a very active participant in it.

but yeah. i needed to blog about it.

she looked much better in death. she didn’t look like she was in discomfort.

rest in peace.

grargh: the verbal diarrhoea continues!!!

facebook note.

i’m feeling a bit highly strung tonight and i can’t REALLY tell you why. mostly cos i can’t really define it myself

but the point

i was having dinner with hx tonight and she made a remark about how she didn’t care if people thought she was stupid or not anymore. i said it was either because she’s grown secure in her smartness (and she’s very very smart) or because back in JC it was all aBOUT being smart whereas here in lasalle it’s all about being good at what you do.

well i spose good at what you do works all ways. if being smart is what you do thats what you have to be good at

but the POINT

i never thought much about people thinking that i’m not clever.

i never tried all THAT hard to prove them wrong. take for example the school work i had in school which i, well let’s put it this way, never ever did.

but nobody who ever knew me really thought i was stupid. i do incredibly stupid THINGS but i don’t know if i’ve ever met anyone who thought i was un intelligent.

and i know i’m smart. i’m aware that i’m pretty perasan but i mean it’s a fact. i’m not a bloody genius like say my brother but i AM a smart person and i know that.

so when some ignorant RANDOM on facebook fucking judges me by what, i don’t know, why do i freak out and start feeling like BRAGGING about my fuckin SAT1 results?

why do i feel like humiliating this …. person…. for merely being patronizing and again, ignorant?

is it JUST because this dude (i don’t even know him. i saw his name and thought he was someone from school thus even replying then only noticed the little “add as friend”) insulted my english?

his exact words were

“do you even have an inkling as to what diabolical means?”

diabolical. of all words. it wasn’t even something ridiculous like freaking obstreperous or diluvial or freaking tautological.

diabolical!!!!!!

just to make sure i wasn’t being an idiot, i google defined it and i had the right context, well one of them, of course

then i replied, “do you even have an inkling as to how much you sound like a condescending asshole right now?”

the conversation continues in a highly annoying fashion ending with this, i will say it again, RANDOM saying you clearly don’t know what it means, GOOGLE IT.

…

why am i getting so riled up?!??!?!!

why do i give a fuck!!!!!

i mean i’m not about to try and challenge anyone to a freaking grammar debate like those people on like fanfiction.net and youtube or whatever because quite frankly my english is instinctive and i don’t know the rules. and UNLIKE THIS GUY, i am not about to automatically assume that my english is better than anyone else’s just because it’s good.

english is my first strength, always has been probably always will be. it’s not the best in the world but it’s good la okay?

is that why i get so pissed off??? like i need validation???

wait i think i know what it is. i’m stressed out and my pride can’t take many more bashings. so when i perceive something as being one, one that i don’t deserve, well, this happens. let it go, woman!

i need to get a life. this condescending twerp has cost me some twenty minutes of my life that i did not benefit from and will never have back. it was so not worth it.

…

by the way, just because my ego IS as large as jupiter (both of them), and just because i’m still a CHILD: if you’re reading this, Condescending Man, seven fifty and seven eighty. so screw you.

resistance, weakness, choice and denial

in no particular order

i did a scene from closer in acting today and alice (who i played) says “there’s a moment, there’s always a moment. i can do this, i can give into this or i can resist”

so i mean think about it

are we weak or are we lazy? are we weak beCAUSE we are lazy.

sorry about this whole emo thing. i’m not having like a new guy problem and it’s not as if germ or the plague are acting up or anything. i think i’m wallowing in boylessness because it takes my mind off the OTHER emofying problem. that being my future, fyi.

anyway a lot of asshole guys in general will probably change if they find that one girl. and a lot of girls date the asshole guys and will in fact stick to them because they want to believe they will be the one to change the asshole guy.

well, obviously the success rate of THAT is so low that everytime it happens someone makes a romantic comedy about it. there are tons of romcoms but well, nobody EVER makes a movie about the girl who failed to change the asshole guy.

but the point is, often times the asshole guy kinda dangles you along a bit. okay it’s not just The Guy i mean girls do this too. so let’s just refer to them as the asshole.

when the victim succumbs to the wheedling or whatever other form of persuasion the asshole uses to keep them on their string, what makes them do that??

weakness: i love them what the hell i have to be honest with myself and i can’t deny it anyway

denial: this time is the time it will be better

faith: it may not be this time but i can take the continued batterings and hold out until the time it IS the time

choice (ish): i know this is not smart, empirically speaking, but i choose to disregard common sense and have faith anyway.

i realize this might not make much sense. i’m very sleepy bear with me.

where is the line drawn between stupidity and weakness?

belief in weakness of course gives power to the idea of weakness. if you allow yourself to think “i can’t do anything about this situation” of course there’s no chance in hell you WILL achieve something.

must hope and denial always go hand in hand?

cynicism. is it misplaced? does it block off our hearts and turn us into cold unfeeling things or is it the last bastion of protection.

do we always have a choice??

i guess that’s the big question.

in the trivial matters of the heart, we can’t choose who we fall for but we can choose what happens next. you choose to believe whether or not you have a choice, in fact. i think. i hope.

i think.

you can’t choose what you want but you can control the want itself. you choose to believe whether or not you have that control.

you are responsible for everything that you do. if you choose the hurtful choice, it’s your fault.

or i suspect so, anyway. hmm.

michael moore and moral judgment: a paradox

a lot of people have been asking me why i wanna be like michael moore. apparently he’s a hypocritical asshole. i think its good that he’s at least trying to do something about a lot of screwed up things. you can’t be perfect but at least he’s trying to do SOME good.

but there’s a problem with the ideology of a lot of activism and anarchy. again not that i’m against it that’s the whole point of this post as it were. the thing is, when you’re emotionally invested in something being right or wrong your judgment can become clouded. extremely clouded.

take the fight against gay-rights-haters for example, for record i totally agree that you should fight against people who hate gay people but just look for a minute

we all look up to those fighting ‘the good fight’. but the thing is by saying that you begin to define what is right and what is wrong not necessarily what is lawful and what is not.

which is better, right or law?

because if it’s right, who decides?

of COURSE the law is flawed. the law is constructed by man. moral laws are decided by who?

well, by God of course.

(on a side note, i am still a believer, if you attack me and my beliefs you can honestly take whatever you have to say and shove it somewhere unsavoury because you will not be entertained. hah. the glory of the internet and free speech. look at how much i live my life in fear.)

now, God is a tricky thing, isn’t He/She/It?

something that is there but honestly intangible except by a rare few.

so if someone says God says homosexuality is wrong. who is to say that person is wrong? who is to say who God speaks to and appoints as those who can hear God? you have to believe and have faith, i suppose.

but when people like that evil episcopalean phelps man can tell gay men that they are going to go straight to hell and burn, and this sort of behaviour leads to murdering innocents… (it’s happened. it’s still happening)

is that what God is about? is that what God wants you to do?

to me, i think its kind of filthy and disgusting. how dare you commit evil in God’s name. have you no fear?? i get pretty riled up about this sort of thing actually. i hate hate. i had a blog post about it a long time ago, on merrilywecrapalong. you can look it up in the archives if you like.

but honestly, that’s just me.

cos if its like you go by what you believe or what your faith believes or what your gut believes then all those guys who picket “homos in hell” and things like that are fighting their own good fight. they don’t care about the law of man because they believe that they are doing Gods work.

that’s why moral judgment is dangerous.

i have no idea how to solve it. i would like to believe that laws are passed rationally by rational mature human beings who have discussed and decided after lots of debate what should be passed for law and what kind of things should govern man

but i mean, hello, where has that even once happened? maybe sweden.

where does that leave me?

i don’t know.

i made out with mig ayesa!!!!

okay no i didnt, but aren’t you terribly disappointed??

so was i!!!!!!

so today after the singing recital (exam. terrible. forgot lyrics to the uptempo, which i’ve never done in my LIFE but ah well its over now) i had lunch, linn hilde and cikgu thomas had beer. we were at fatty’s which is really near school. sarah ashlee and hui xuan come along down to join us.

then mig ayesa walks past. i swear on my darth vader keychain. we are sitting on a round table outside on this like brick walkway and he freaking walks past with a really tall woman (i thought it was a man with long hair). so i’m sitting kinda facing him as he’s coming towards me and i’m like. hm that guy looks like mig ayesa. omigawd thats mig ayesa.

i think i was staring and i dunno if he saw me or not but he lowers his sunnies at some point. i have no idea what i was doing.

now, sarah’s met him once. he’s australian and her mom taught him in school or something. she refers to him as miguel.

so i start going sarah!! sarah!!!! in this like growingly urgent half whisper half yell like you SERIOUSLY NEED TO LISTEN TO ME and i’m staring at him this is seriously as he’s like directly perpendicular to the table and she squints out at him, cos she’s got bad eyes and she’s like what? and i’m like you’re KIDDING me but all i can say is sarah!!! sarah!!!!!!

and she’s like oh that’s miguel!!!

and he’s like WALKING right away at a comfortable proceeding speed and i’m like AGHH! go after him!!!!!!!!

and everyone’s like what? what? i’m like MIG FREAKING AYESA JUST WALKED PAST US!!!!!!

and then after about 20 seconds of me yelling at sarah to go after him (she’s like i’ve met him once what the hell am i gonna say hi we met once do you remember??) she’s like okay come on lets go

and we sort of run

but of course, he’s gone.

he either crossed the road into bugis (would have had to be illegally cos the traffic light changed when we shortly after we got there, we only walked about 20 meters really and the light is really slow) or he is staying at the apartment complex near my school, which is reasonable to believe cos it’s really nice but its not a service apt as far as i know.

OHHHHH I WAS SO MAD. well not mad. but like FRUSTRATED. like omgggggg

he is SO much hotter in person. no i’m serious. hottest married 38 year old man ever. the arms. OHHHH

warghhhh. i was spewing (ozzieism). that’s the best way to put it.

HOW RANDOM IS THAT? this is not three hundred metres away from my school!!! the rockstar inxs dude!!! galileo figaro from the west end and he was like ten metres away from me, AND WE MISSED HIM!!!!

ARGHHHHHH

…
i totally should have gone up to him by myself just run off. but i was so completely starstruck.

aghhh!!!! well life goes on i suppose. WAHAHHHHHHHHHH

just a month of good theatre

or so it would seem.

i just got back from the esplanade where i watched break-ing with zalfian (or father, who basically refers to me as petra not only to me and balqis but it turns out to the rest of the world. it’s quite screwed up. so he introduced me to one of the directors as petra who then asked if his friend cheryl was going to turn up. dotdotdot. and then the rest of them as well, and someone who taught me in school thought that i go around calling myself petra in malaysia like it was my glamorous stage name or something)

yeah that was abit long so i made a new paragraph.

anyway, it was brilliant. i think it was the best malaysian work i’ve seen, staged OR written since notes on life love and painting which was staged four years ago.

i mean, yeah “political” theatre is bound to strike nerves no matter how badly it’s done but this stuff was really actually very well done. it’s the kind of art that .. it’s like … like why do we do what we do, what is art like art is a search right.

this is the kind of story that makes you a better person for having experienced it. the kind that doesn’t necessarily leave you feeling comfortable (in fact it leaves you feeling pretty screwed up)

it was clever but not pretentious. and it was honest, very honest work.

i mean, I’M talking about it in terms of art and truth and i don’t feel like a gigantic wanker at all!!!

i also finally got to meet nam ron who i’ve decided is probably my favorite local director. and. well.

it was a triple bill, and his piece was the last, and it was about detention without trial.

so well, let’s just say it was… confronting

it was important work. and that’s what anyone strives to achieve - important work.

they’re looking for dates to stage it in malaysia. don’t miss it. don’t.